Doubts

The honeymoon is over. I am no longer happy or excited about everything. Instead I am knee-deep in frustration and worry.

Most of these feelings stem from my job working at an international school. Saigon, while by no means perfect--it's dirty, crowded and loud--still has it's good points. For instance, I'm still in love with the food. In fact, I've started eating more vegan and vegetarian food recently and it is amazing. They have a vegan answer for every part of an animal including chicken necks and fried eggs! Isn't that crazy? And the craziest part is that most of it actually tastes like meat! Not the "fried eggs" though. Those taste (and look) nothing like what they're standing in for. Though, they're not bad either.


Anyway, I've been floundering a bit in my job. As mentioned in a past post, I don't have a curriculum or textbooks at my school. I make up every lesson as I go. Seeing as how I have no background in education and my TESOL certification course didn't really prepare me for young learners, I really don't feel suited for the job. I worry every day about whether I'm doing any good, if I'm actually teaching my kids anything and if I am, is it what they need to know?

Education here is so unbelievably backwards. This is not a case of orientalism. It really is backwards. Schools are first and foremost businesses. They think about money before anything else, including the education of their pupils. This horrifies me. It's all bureaucratic crap. I can't even get textbooks for my kids because the school is hung up on the cost of everything and making sure that the parents pay for it.


I can't help but feel disheartened. As a teacher, I am responsible for the education of my students. This is a huge responsibility, especially due to the fact that all of my students are little kids. They are totally relying on me to be the authority on the English language. On top of that, I am also responsible for teaching one of my students how to read and write (as well as the development of these skills for the rest of my students). I don't know how to do this and I'm scared that I'm going to fail, not for my sake but for his. He's only six and he trusts me. I, however, do not trust myself because I, unlike my students, am aware of my failings and the fact that I'm not equipped with the knowledge or tools that this job demands of me.

To make matters worse, I am sick. Again. This is the fifth time since I've been here. So, overall, I've been a very cranky Clara lately.

Honestly, I'm more than a little overwhelmed by my full-time job. If I had known what I was getting into before I took the position, I probably wouldn't have accepted the job. Now, of course, I'm totally in love with my kids and couldn't possibly leave them. They really are adorable. Even when they're driving me crazy, I still love them.

To battle my doubts, I've tried to look at the situation as a growth experience, which it certainly has been. I've learned a lot about what I am and am not capable of. Being abroad has allowed me time to reflect on a lot of things as well. My perspective is changing all the time. I think I'm going to come out of my time here with more direction, maybe some answers, and hopefully more mature.

As of right now, I'm still not sure whether teaching is what I want to do with my life. Answering that question is too big and daunting. The world is full of possibilities, and I'm playing with countless ideas and options. However, one thing I've learned already is that if teaching is in my future, it won't be as an elementary school teacher. Teaching kids is an extremely high energy job and I just don't have the right personality for it. I love working with kids, but it's difficult for me to have to be "on" every day, all the time. More often than not, I find it draining. And, frankly, I just don't think I'm that good at it.

I'm glad to have discovered this so early on, though. A few days ago, I had a great talk with my aunt who is a first grade teacher and she helped me realize that knowing teaching kids isn't right for me is okay. Just because I know that and am still teaching them right now doesn't make me a bad teacher. I'm still trying and I still care, so I can't be that horrible at it... Right?

It was also great talking with her because she gave me some good ideas for teaching kids, especially for teaching reading. I now feel like I have some direction for my little non-reader. She was also amazingly supportive and reassuring about the job I'm doing. I am very grateful to her. (Much love, dear aunt!)

P.S.--Happy Thanksgiving!